My God Tantrum

Summer break.  Finally.  Time to breathe and reflect- both of which are things that I have not done either here or in my paper journal for quite some time.

To begin this post, I want to make a confession: a few months ago, I gave up on God.  Thanks to my habit of paper-journaling, I can pinpoint the moment to the exact date.  It happened March 3rd, 2013.  I think it began as a “HEY LOOK AT ME GOD, I AM THROWING A TANTRUM” moment.  Sure, a lot of us entertain the thought of abandoning our belief in God.  Mine was more of a protest for attention that morphed very quickly into the real thing.  It was so easy that it was scary.  

It was almost uncomforting how comforting it was.  There were so many things that burdened my mind: the poverty of the area of which I work, the inequality that still persists (no matter how many people want to insist that we are a post-racial society- these people I find very sheltered), coupled with the day-to-day struggles of a new teacher, doing battle with a mostly-defiant 8th grade class, and a new marriage.  I blamed God for his refusal to change these things.  

For some reason, taking the religious weight off of these issues allowed for a relaxing breath.  I’ve been told my whole life that these are things that a good Christian MUST worry about.  Confound the day-to-day struggles of a new teacher with the mental burdens of religious urgency, and I was crushed.   

I am easily agitated and depressed.  The only things that kept me going were the devoted love of my husband, and the strong connection that has progressed with my colleagues.  

Thankfully, there was a tiny ember in my soul that hasn’t gone out yet, and I am gently using this break as a time to fan it back into something warm.  Not necessarily religiosity, my friends who have unwittingly stumbled into a conversation about faith with me know that my faith is nowhere near a “thebibleistheonlytruthyouwilleverneedjesusismyboyfriend*insertpeoplegrouphatedbychristians*sareallgoingtohellamen” kind of faith

That part of my soul that was so burdened has emerged as a stronger muscle.  Yes, the cliche’ is true:  what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.   My soul isn’t dead yet- so it must be stronger.  

There is so much more that I want to write about this topic, but I know that blog readers have short attention spans.  Perhaps I will continue later, but in the meantime, here is are some pictures from a walk that I took with my mom yesterday at Mayberry State Park in Northville:

Image

Image

 

This path-of-life sure is a winding one…

Advertisements

One thought on “My God Tantrum”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s